"When I Die" by Sky Hedman

Being one who lies awake outlining the various future catastrophes that my life might encounter, I decided today to instead visualize some Hollywood moments where I would be filled with everlasting joy.

Of course, one universal specter that I worry about is “How will I die?” Not actually my moment of death, but the period leading up to it. To be fair, I also worry about the time after my death: Will Lynne be ok? If she isn’t alive, would my pets be taken care of? This follows my anxiety about being lonely as I age, being alone, or worse yet, being in a facility with understaffed and overworked aides and nurses, and no pets

 OK, I am not going further with the details of these fears, all of which could easily happen, and most likely will happen. Instead, I am going to create a glowing vision of the future. 

It will start with me being in perfect health until the moment I die. I will be energetic, I will be physically rigorous. I will hear perfectly and see better than I do now. I will still drive and dress myself and feed myself. Of course, I will have plenty of money to sustain my lifestyle, so no worries there. The economy will be so strong that the city, the state, the country and the world will be prosperous. The oceans will be free of plastics. OK, maybe this dream is getting too big, but you know what I mean, the world will be in such a state that I don’t have to worry about it, even if I end up in a long term care facility.

But wait, I am the creator of this future. I will not be in a long term care facility. I will live in a friendly neighborhood where I know my neighbors and children and their dogs. I will look at a pleasant view out my window, like the one I have now, where I see Bellingham Bay and Lummi Island and Orcas.

Right, so I don’t need to create that for the future. I already have it! It’s just, can I stay here as I age? Which of us will die first, Lynne or me? I know I am in fantasy mode, so I could draw the future such that we both die at the same time! Neither of us will live through broken hearted loneliness that would come with being the surviving partner. I could include an option for being the widow, but I wouldn’t have crying jags, tears down my cheeks, rocking back and forth in grief, because I would have researched healthy ways to grieve and I will be following the directions to a T. And I wouldn’t be afraid at night by myself, because…I would be a different person! I’m the author here, I remind you. I’ll be filled with gratitude for the great life Lynne and I lived together, and I will be consoled by memories.

 This future would be positive for all of us, and we would all let go of our fears of the future. “No worries” would be the honest truth. I would continue to wake up every morning full of optimism. All until the day I die. And that day would be typical of every day in our world. Days of having enough: enough food, warmth, companionship, views, cute dogs, music, aspirations and lived dreams.

 Oh yes. I forgot the detail of how I would die. I would receive a vision that my final day was coming. I would pull out my detailed plan about who should be notified, who would take my pets, who would empty the house and all that. I would listen one more time to YoYo  Ma. I would already have bequeathed my cello to a deserving student. People would care that I’m gone but they would have a warm feeling in their hearts and smile when they think of me and my magical powers to bequeath an ending that is happy to everyone.

 Full, well paid employment for caregivers!

Supportive, compassionate homes for all children and pets.

Sunlit days alternating with needed rain.

Healthy trees filled with an abundance of birds.

Fresh air in all directions.

Hands to hold.

Songs to sing.

Love to overflow in each heart.